Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I wear drunk well.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
