Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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