i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
