I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
