Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
