Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
