I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
