when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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