Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
