Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize
