Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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