oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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