he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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