thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
