Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
