Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
