Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
