Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
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Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
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When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize