dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
