Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
