i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
