im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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