she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
