Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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