Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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