We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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