She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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