I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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