this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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