Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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