just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
