I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
