I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize