I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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