i was born a porn star she said
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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