I am puke
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
