i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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