I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
