Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
