Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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