the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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