I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
