I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
