I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
