my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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