My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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