He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
