she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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