And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
