I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she smelled like a LAN party
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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