If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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