everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
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You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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