i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
