I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
