i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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