my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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